Welcome to Olivet Theory’s Bad Advice series where I, Mr. Theory, give you the worst advice imaginable on just about anything. I’ll cover topics surrounding your family life, parenting, romance, money management, faith, and social interactions. Advice that is so appalling that you’ll have no choice but to do the exact opposite of what is mentioned here.
How To Argue With Your Wife
Do you regularly find yourself in the unfortunate position of having to argue with the love of your life? No, not the Ford Mustang. Your wife, remember? The woman you married and vowed to love and care for until death or a homicide cold case do you both apart?
You’re impressively patient when she approaches you with the occasional omen ‘we need to talk’ and the anxiety surrounding the ‘what about’ mounts with every passing minute. She lets you know that she wants to talk only after you’ve left for work or minutes past midnight while you’re out with friends.
Are you unsure of how to navigate these kinds of uncomfortable conversations with your beloved? Are you new to married life but you find yourself constantly avoiding weightier topics because honeymoon passion and disagreements over towel colors do not mix?
Look no further my neophyte male reader. I’ve got you covered.
And what about you, yes, you, the veteran husband who has been married for twenty-plus years but still struggles to say something more than, ‘yes dear’ or ‘sorry dear’ when arguing with your wife. Are you tired of being at the losing end of every argument? Are you tired of dealing with cold shoulders, cold cuts, and coleslaw for dinner six nights a week?
Well, it’s time you took your manhood and husbandry authority back so that every argument you find yourself, unfortunately, will be resolved without conflict, without hurt feelings, curse word laced tirades and broken beer mugs.
Follow these next few steps and you will become a veteran argument winner and your wife will begin to respect you once again. She’ll be the submissive wife you’ve always wanted but could never afford.
This is one for you, kings.
Step 1 – Avoid Her At All Costs
Imagine you get that dreaded text message as soon as the clock hits 12 AM. You know you stayed out past curfew, and curfew hour is subjective here. If you’re married with kids, the curfew is 6 pm. If you’re married but have yet to have kids, the curfew is 11 PM. Either way, you’re out way past curfew and you check your phone but your friends mock you for being chained to the woman of your dreams. You mock them back for being either single or married to a wicked caricature of their mothers and grandmothers. It works because it’s true. Your friends laugh it off but squirm with shame deep down inside because they cannot escape the fact that they have been ignoring their phones as well. They don’t have good taste in women either or they’re single so the only way they cope with life is by deriding one another, yourself included.
You check your phone again and this time, through the haze of exhaustion, tears, and whatever substance you’ve been consuming for the last hour or two make it difficult for you to see through the blur that you have sixteen missed calls and thirty-six text messages from your wife.
You know you’ve blown it. You’re out way past curfew and you recall your wife saying something about an anniversary or birthday dinner that was supposed to happen earlier but because you have a genetic flaw that prevents you from hearing dates, times, and events clearly and the same genetic flaw makes it hard to retain important marriage related information in mind so you forgot.
So, knowing just how precarious a situation you’re in, you have two options.
Option one is to call your wife immediately, as you head for your car, if you’re sober, of course, but you’re most likely not sober at this point. And you can have your greatest of friends pay your tab this night because you have to make it home alive and survive long enough for the police and emergency personnel to make it to your residence to resuscitate your corpse once your wife is done with you. You can be driven home or taxied home. Either way, you’re mincemeat.
Or, option two. Avoid her. Just don’t check your phone. Don’t take her calls and never, under any circumstance, respond to her messages. They’re book-length sermons at this point.
Sit there and enjoy the niceties of a night out with friends. Not only mock your married friends’ spouses but allow them to mock your wife as well.
When the establishment you find yourself hiding from your wife closes for the night or morning, be sure to sleep in the car. You can up the ante by crashing on your friend’s couch.
Come morning, wait for your wife to leave for work before returning home. You’ll need to do this if you want to take a quick shower. If she takes the day off to file for divorce, then wait her out. She’ll have to visit a family attorney sooner or later so you can get inside your house once she’s gone.
If you happen to be home once she returns, leave through a window or hide in the basement until she’s either asleep or she’s out of the house again.
You must avoid your wife at all costs.
Step 2 – Dismiss, Dismiss, and Dismiss
Your cover is blown and you’ve been found. You’ve been hiding in the basement for days not but it is no longer a safe refuge and now you’re faced with a woman whose anger is so strong you can taste it because the first thing she did when she found you snoring in the basement bathroom, slumped over the toilet seat, was punch you in the mouth.
What now? What can you do?
And you must be quick in putting this second step into motion otherwise it’ll backfire and you’ll have no choice but to be confronted with your immature behavior for the last 24-168 hours. She claims she knew you were sleeping in the basement this entire time because beer, spirits, and chips kept going missing from the fridge and pantry upstairs.
You’re caught. Red-handed. You know this because you left flaming hot Cheetos fingerprints on cabinet tops, door hands, and toilet seats you forgot to put down. The only way you’re getting out of this alive is if you dismiss everything she’s upset about.
That’s it. Dismiss it. She makes mention of your late-night escapades and you have to dismiss her because they weren’t escapades, they were outings.
She makes mention of your unwillingness to answer her calls and your incompetent immature nature in being unable to respond to a single text message.
Refresh her memory with the fact that the filthy dungeon you often frequent with your miscreant group of friends has little to no cellphone reception. And that there was no point in returning a missed call since it was missed, to begin with. Plus, even if you could text her back from the oubliette of body odors and bad jokes, your large manly fingers would not have been able to properly formulate a response she would be satisfied with. Plus, men don’t text back.
When she questions your manhood and points out how real men face their problems and deals with them when they come, dismiss her silly invective as a veiled invitation for getting down-n-dirty. Her degrading comments are nothing more than coy attempts at reinvigorating your robust masculinity.
Step 3 – Play the Trump Card
Your dismissals are not working but that is just fine. At this point, you have a key element in your treasure trove of argument-winning weapons that will resolve this issue without fail.
Use your Trump Card.
Now, this isn’t a physical card you carry in a fanny pack like your Harley Davidson Leather and Tights Tough-man subscription card. No. This is better.
Use this timeless, classless, and tasteless move to your advantage.
Walk up to your wife after ducking her second punch and grab her. Now, pay very close attention to the qualifications for the proper use of the Trump Card. This will only work if you’re a thrice-divorced, porn star hush-money-paying, failed businessman whose father got arrested at a Klan rally in the 1920s.
If that’s your gig, go for it.
Grab her by the… purse. When wives are mad they let you do it. You can move on her like a barbarian.
You need to grab her by the purse because when he found you in the basement she was actually headed for the family attorney’s office and she just so happened to have her purse on her.
You want to do this to reassert your dominance over her skin, or, eh, her leather accessories. It reminds them who’s the man of the house and they love it.
Step 4 – Play Dead
Once Step 3 fails and your wife is standing between you and the stairway, both of her hands rolled into fists and all, you have to grasp your chest with both hands, fall to the floor, and thrash your body violently like a fish would once out of water. And use that last packet of Alka-Seltzer tablets you keep in your pocket in case of an emergency when out with the boys for Philly cheese-steaks. Toss both tablets in your mouth and give your wife an Oscar-worthy performance. Fight the urge to spit the acidic chemical reaction taking place in your mouth all at once. This performance has to look as believable as possible.
Once you hit the floor understand that your wife will begin to mock your performance. She will again reduce you to the child you are inside but do not budge. Remain still for as long as possible.
If you lay still long enough your wife will walk away and the argument will stop there. This works for many men. Some, under the prudent nature of their manly intellect, opt for the Play Dead technique first, this way, the wife calls an ambulance and you’re carted off to the emergency center in no time.
I have heard of cases where men use this step often because they’re good friends with the ER physician on call that day. They’re kept in the hospital overnight where they’re forced to endure the grueling process of having to take more Alta-Seltzer tablets to mimic symptoms but I hear this is preferable to dealing with angry wives.
Some men and these are the veteran warriors I speak of, use this technique twice a week just to avoid an argument.
But should your wife call your bluff, which she does since this is the fifth time you’ve fallen prostrate, in the fetal position this month in an attempt to avoid conflict, she surmises you’re mentally incapable of having an adult conversation to resolve marital issues.
Step 5 – Raise Your Voice
Once you wipe the antacid from your chin you’ll need to wise up and even the playing field a bit.
Your wife, at this point, is yelling. The volume of her voice is what made you flinch back to life from your catatonic pseudo-myocardial infarction state. You attempt to explain to your now red-faced wife that you nearly died from a ‘mayo in-fart-session’ and she calls you on your nonsense because you’re a bad liar and you suck at pronouncing medical terms when plagued by a guilty conscience.
So you’re forced to take things to the next tier just to win this argument so you raise your voice to match hers.
This takes practice as most men struggle to sound masculine enough when they yell. Husbands who have followed my steps in the past have learned that when they shout their battle cry their voice takes on an orotund and stentorian tone scaring their foes into oblivion. Without practice, however, your voice may sound high-pitched and fruity. Instead of sounding like the leathered-up Harley Davidson advert you instead end up sounding like a bearded fairy from a Disney movie.
Practice makes perfect.
And this is where your high school Spanish or French comes in handy because when you raise your voice you cannot, by any means, say anything intelligible or logical. If you’re responding to an argument with another argument it’ll only further aggravate your wife and allow her to continue this altercation for another hour.
When you yell, be sure to say things in a language your wife does not understand. This will confuse her and in her histrionic state – which you must accuse her of in any and all cases when she wants to argue – will dismiss your nonsense as the initial stages of someone who needs to be institutionalized immediately.
Sample 1 – Spanish: Coge la escoba y barre la cocina. ¡No olvide sacar la basura!
Sample 2 – French: Vos compétences culinaires sont médiocres et vous salez rarement nos repas correctement. Lavez-vous les coudes.
And if you’re proficient in German, mind you, you needn’t be, you just need to speak with as much spittle dripping from the sides of your mouth and with as much resolute confidence as that of an infamous German dictator we seldom speak of anymore. That’ll make you sound as German as Berliner. Here’s an example.
Sample 3 – Deutsch: Du bist die Liebe meines Lebens, aber deine Einstellung macht Stinktierfurze und Spinat steckt zwischen deinen Zähnen.
Step 6 – Reference Her Best Girlfriend
Yelling normally gives you enough wiggle room to run out of an argument and if possible, out of the room. Especially if you sound deranged enough that your wife considers calling your mother. Find an opening to squeeze out of this situation without having to translate your psychobabble and if you’re stuck in a basement, like the husband in our example story is stuck, try and exit the basement now.
If this doesn’t work, it normally does, but if it doesn’t, consider the Jocular Evasive Revision Knock move.
You can perform the JERK move by reminding your wife that her best girlfriend, yes, the very good-looking one that just so happens to be single and looking, never yells at men or throws tantrums over trivial matters. Remind your wife that her girlfriend handles inconveniences with more grace and emotional intelligence than she does.
You must emphasize keywords when winning arguments or evading them with your wife. These include but are not limited to:
“What are you talking about?”
“I don’t know her.”
“I don’t recognize that number.”
“I did not ask for these pictures.”
“That is not me in those pictures.”
“It’s not even that serious.”
“Have you gained weight?”
Remind your wife that Sally, Lilah, Raquel, and Diane never once raise their voice at another man and that she would be wise to follow in their footsteps.
At this point, if the top of her lips begins to sweat from rage or whatever it is women feel when they’re inconvenienced by men having fun with their friends, just know that your technique is working.
Step 7 – Compare Her to Her Mother
Now that she has stopped yelling and is paying full attention to you, remind your wife that she is behaving like her mother.
Now it is crucial that you understand who your mother-in-law is. If your mother-in-law happens to be a saint, remind your wife of just how disappointed ‘mom’ would be to see her taking things out of proportion all the time.
If your mother-in-law is, well, the opposite of a saint, remind your wife that she is behaving like the daughter of the queen of the underworld. If your wife is theologically sound and asserts that there is no such thing as a ‘queen of the underworld,’ you must concede to that fact and then inform her that if there were to be one, it would be her mother.
Step 8 – Talk About Your Salary/Income
At this moment, most wives will walk out of the room to seek refuge from the brute realization that the argument is won by none other than you, king. Most women do not have the courage to face their defeat so they scurry off to a room to drown in their bitter tears or they end up in the kitchen. If your wife happens to run into the kitchen, this is the perfect time to ask for a sandwich and a beer or your spirit of choice.
But if your wife is not like most women and she has been cursed with a stiff back and an analytical mind, you’ll realize that she no longer looks at you but she looks past you, into the kitchen, where the knife block sits and her eyes go dark for a split second.
At this point, you must take the initiative to deviate her attention from violent ideations and onto something more important.
Now, understand that it doesn’t matter how much money you make, how much she makes, whether you make more than she does or not because what’s important is that you remind her that you are the breadwinner of this family.
And ‘breadwinner’ is just another term for king or lord of the castle but semantics and cultural degradation of etymological understandings over time have left us with softer terms for crucial authority matrix nomenclature.
Whether this is true or not is irrelevant.
Most wives will succumb to the indomitable fact that without their husband’s income, they’re days, if not minutes away from living in abject poverty. They tend to turn-tail and run for the kitchen, dutifully kneeling at your feet in submission at the mention of money.
If possible, remind her that the dress she has on, the food in the fridge, and the very home she lives in were all blessings that fell at her feet from your benevolent hands.
That exact wording, if possible.
Step 9 – Question Her Sanity
This next step takes careful consideration. Understand that your wife, when she is enraged by her inability to find joy in seeing you enjoy your life, will experience something called a psychotic break. You can call this hysteria.
You’re moments away from winning this and just about every argument the two of you will ever have. Keep following these steps to save your marriage and possibly your life.
Once you’ve convinced your wife to put down the steak knife and informed her that second-degree murder still carries a twenty-year sentence, reassure her that her mind isn’t in the right place.
Go for the jugular, king.
Take a step or two closer to your wife. Do not, by any means, attempt the Trump Card again. That is a very dangerous move to make while your wife is wounded by her delusions.
Quietly and softly inform her that she’s out of her mind and that she needs to see a psychiatrist who can help her deal with her anger issues. Let her know that a normal wife would not take a knife to her husband’s head, forcing him to duck to miss the first blow and then perform a stiff pirouette to dodge the second.
Kindly inform her that your love for her supersedes her mental stability or instability and that you can both work things out if she just puts the knife down and consults a professional first thing the following day.
Step 10 – Leave For Hawaii With Your Friends
You’re almost there, king.
This is the final step to win every single argument with your wife.
Once she is heavily sedated by the three bottles of red wine you were planning on drinking by yourself in the basement but had to sacrifice to save your life and other important members of your body, quietly reach into her purse, her regular purse, for her wallet and fetch her credit card.
Now, book yourself and your friends, miscreant friends, a trip to Honolulu with your wife’s credit card.
This has to be done immediately as women have the tendency to ruin any and all plans, especially the plans you tend to make with your guy friends.
Give your buddies a call, have them pack their bags, which just like the bag you’ll pack yourself, will include two pairs of underwear, six pairs of socks, which you won’t use, a pair of Abercrombie & Fitch beach sandals, and ten floral tank tops.
Be sure to leave for the airport as soon as possible and you’ll be in paradise in no time to enjoy the festivities of life with your fraternity brothers.
If you follow my ten very practical steps from How To Argue With Your Wife you will have a successful life, a happy wife, and a fulfilling marriage.
Ignore those calls, texts, and emails from that misunderstood attorney’s office and live your life to the fullest.
Just remember, you’re always right and your wife is always second.
You got this, king. You got this.
If you loved this episode of Olivet Theory’s Bad Advice Series – Chapter 4: How To Argue With Your Wife, stay tuned for the next installment in our series, Chapter 5: How To Argue With Your Husband And Crush His Dreams.
Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise. – Proverbs 17:28 NLT
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