Welcome to Olivet Theory’s Bad Advice series where I, Mr. Theory, give you the worst advice imaginable on just about anything. I’ll cover topics surrounding your family life, parenting, romance, money management, faith, and social interactions. Advice that is so appalling that you’ll have no choice but to do the exact opposite of what is mentioned here.
How to talk about race and racism…
Now you’re probably wondering, Mr. Theory, why would you venture onto a topic as divisive and controversial as racism? And why do it so early into the ‘Bad Advice’ series? Why not discuss, say, the most practical way for men to eat bananas in public, or, the top 10 steps to follow when taking cold showers? Why racism?
Well, if you’re one of the three people I know who might ask such asinine questions then you can go take a cold shower without my top 10 steps to follow when taking cold showers and you can eat a banana while in there. Okay? This is my medium of bad advice and I’ll choose which subject to ill advise my readers on.
On Qualifying Statements and Denials
Have you recently been in a situation where the subject of race or say, racism was broached by a person of color and you felt embarrassed to interact for fear that you might be misunderstood or misconstrued?
Disregard those notions. Go ahead and say what you have to say however you want to say it. Interrupt their conversation and speak as loud as possible. Do it all without the slightest urge to listen to anything they might have to add to this discussion.
Also, no matter what, no matter how many times you have this conversation always start with the standard qualifying statement: I don’t mean to sound racist but…
This will help your audience understand where your sentiments, ideas, and concerns are coming from. It helps them understand you as an individual and just how much you know about the topic so far.
Your audience does not know that you’re not a racist even if what you’re saying sounds racist, so, be sure to let them know that the very racist things you’re about to say will not, by default, make you a racist person.
This qualifying statement is great for other controversial scenarios as well. Try it whenever you get the chance!
Not to sound Islamophobic but….
Not to sound sexist but….
No homo but…
Not to sound like a fascist nationalist but…
And 2020’s #1 Qualifying Statement and Denial:
Stop the steal…. But that’s not me on Capitol grounds. That photo was doctored.
Always start your conversations on race and racism with a qualifying statement and immediately reject the accusation of being what it is your statement or opinion portrays you of being. This works better the sooner you deny whatever it is you’re being accused of, and in this mindset, it’s racist. Deny. Deny. Deny. But speak your mind.
Scenario #1: Qualifying Statement and Denial
Junia: My black friend got pulled over by the cops for driving through an affluent community. When she asked the officer, ‘Why did you pull me over?’ He informed her that she looked like a suspect who had broken into several homes in that same community earlier that day. Can you believe it?
You: Okay, not to sound racist but what was she doing in that affluent community, to begin with?
Junia: She lives there! She was on her way to Uni!
You: Black people earn enough to live up there?
Junia: That’s racist.
You: No. It’s not.
Junia: Yes, it is.
You: No, it’s not because I’m not racist.
And walk away. That’s how you can successfully navigate a conversation about race with an emphasis on your non-racism whilst saying something, that, according to everyone else, is racist. But you know it’s not and that’s all you need to know. Great job!
Your integrity lies in how confident you sound about this topic not in how accurate or inaccurate your statements sounds.
Tokens and Tolkien
Have you been accused of being a racist? Has your race-but-not-racist private Reddit, Parler, and Gab accounts come to light? Are you facing the brunt of social justice warriors because the racist content you’ve created and disseminated on these platforms has now become public knowledge? Have hackers broken into your hard drive and disseminated pictures of you wielding confederate flags, saluting friends with Sig Heils, dawning the ominous Hitler mustache, and wearing white robes with crosses on fire in the background?
Fret not, my dear non-racist friend. You have the ignoble the privilege and access to a superpower unlike anything other on this planet. Use it whenever all elsewhere fails! It’s Tokens and Tolkien!
If you’re ever caught red-handed, your innermost sentiments about people who look different from you are made bare and everyone sees you for who you really are, just pull the Token card.
Mention to adherents that you follow several people of color who share the same ideas you do. They are literate, successful, and wealthy blacks who believe the world is the best it could ever be and that you listen to their enlightened opinions as if they were Bible.
Tokenism is key to your survival. You must always keep a select few prominent minority figures on conversational speed-dial and ready for use in case your debased intentions are ever brought up.
And if anyone ever accuses you of using minorities who share in your supremacist ideas by the use of Token minorities just sit back, smile, chuckle a bit, and let them know you love Tolkien’s work as much as anyone else.
If you get yelled at for being ignorant just laugh louder and attempt to discuss the Lord of the Rings series. Never admit to using Token voices. This is a no-no. But share your thoughts on Tolkien to avoid a public and viral beating.
Scenario #2: Tokens and Tolkien
Devonte: Hey man, your opinions on black people being intellectually inferior to whites is extremely racist. That’s considered scientific racism that began in the 1600s with a Swedish scientist named…
You: What? No, no. I’m not racist. Look <opens YouTube> here’s <fill in token black person> who agrees with the science behind black people being intellectually challenged because they’re generally lazy, prone to violence, and criminal behavior. I know it sounds racist but it’s not. It’s science.
Devonte: Dude, that’s racist. That’s straight up Tokenism 101. How many hundreds if not thousands of black voices did you have to scroll past to find that one voice that you agreed with?
You: I’m not racist. <Smile> And Tolkien? I love Tolkien’s work! Did you know that Arwen and Aragon are cousins?
Devonte: What? Why are you referencing Lord of the Rings? I said tokenism. You know, when you use the voice of one minority to reinforce a false narrative by a white majority to dismiss the thousands, if not millions of voices from the black community? You sought out one black person that agreed with you and you think that one person speaks for all of us. That’s tokenism.
You: Did you know four horses died in the filming of the LOTR trilogy? I know, insane!
See how it works? Perfect! Now try this highly effective technique at weddings, social gatherings, barbecue parties, sporting venues, and to increase your chances of overcoming societal ostracization, keep a beer in hand. Always, if possible, half full.
If all else fails, claim the ‘I had too much to drink that day/night’ or the just as effective ‘my blood sugar was off’ coupon and your societal pardon is not far behind.
Statisticians and Data Analysts
Are you a numbers-minded person who views minorities as problematic to the fiber of society? Are you looking for more ways to degrade people of color without publicly admitting to the fact that it’s what you’re doing? Look no further, I have found the best avenue for you to broach and conquer discussions on race and racism. You, my friend, are a non-racist statistician.
Any time someone discusses racial disparities and inequities in minority circles you are more than ready to jump in to inform those who listen that numbers don’t lie and that anyone who is unwilling to submit to the data you just produced is truly unwilling to tackle disparities and inequities.
Scenario #3: Statisticians and Data Analysts
Taylor: My God. Cops killed another unarmed black man and it’s all on video. When will this end?
You: <Checks phone> You know, there’s data that supports the fact that more white people are killed by the police than black people.
Taylor: Yes, because there are tens of millions more white people in this country than black people. And you’re okay with that?
You: Did you know that black people are less than 40% of the population but they commit more crimes than 154% of the planet? Plus, not to sound racist, but black people are better at committing crimes they’re just bad at getting away with them.
Taylor: What? That’s asinine and not true.
You: <Hides phone> Also, did you know that fewer than twenty unarmed black people are killed by cops every year. So that narrative the media is painting is false.
Taylor: So how many unarmed black or white people need to be killed by the police for you to care? For you to call for changes in policing methods?
You: <Checks phone again> Did you know black people have a higher college dropout rate than any other race group? Also, they have the highest rate of fatherless homes which makes them more prone to commit crimes.
Taylor: That’s appallingly false and you ought to know better. Those numbers have been distorted to promote a narrative that black people are responsible for systemic issues, police brutality, being shot by police while unarmed and not a threat, and also being given harsher sentences for petty crimes.
You: Well, it’s data…
Taylor: It’s wrong data.
You: And if you disagree with the data then you’re unwilling to better the black community.
This works like a charm every single time. It’ll shut down social media threads, increase the probability of canceled outings, and you’ll fewer and fewer people of color in your proximal community circles. This in turn reduces the chances of a conversation surrounding race and racism taking place.
Do you like to use the N-word when barking along to a DMX track? Has a coworker overheard you shouting the N-word at black clients? Has a video of you surfaced recently where you shout the N-word at passerby’s who, according to Divine Providence, just so happen to be black?
You have come to the Holy Grail of all racist-but-not-racist terminologists, the Black Friend coupon.
Let me explain.
So you’ve been caught red-handed, again, using racial slurs, again, sharing racist-but-not-racist materials online, with a fresh tattoo of a swastika on your neck, and you were pictured at the latest Unite The Right rally. Now, this ‘getting caught’ or ‘being exposed’ behavior has become a common event in your life since you never face repercussions for your racist-but-not-racist actions and comments. But now you face the possibility of losing social capital as your boss, who was well aware of your extra-vocational activities, is now under fire because local and national media has discovered that you’re employed. You see, your boss is okay with what you do just as long as no one else finds about it. But now millions of negative comments plague your company profile, reporters are amassing outside your workplace, and your boss wants to keep on making money so he advises you to resign because he can’t fire you for being racist. No. He can fire you for being lazy but racist? Never. That goes against your constitutional or charter rights. You have the right to be, or sorry, not to be racist, while only saying things that can be misconstrued as racist.
So while you’re typing up your resignation letter your HR team also advises you not to speak with reporters on your way out of the building as you’re not trained to speak publicly and they don’t want you saying anything that could connect the company to your peculiar activities, even though your boss and this HR persona has attended several rallies with you. Those pictures have yet to surface, but they will in due time.
You’re done typing that letter. You hand it over to your boss and HR personnel. You’re compensated for your early leave. Handsomely so. A severance package hearty enough to keep you out of work with bills paid for the next six months. Horrific. I know. Because you asked for twelve months got six instead. Your belongs are all stuffed into a banker box and you’re out the front door where you’re berated by a hive of fake news promoters who ask you the reason behind your continued racist-but-not-racist sentiments.
Your response here is crucial and you have to understand how powerful this message will be to the surrounding audience. Whether it be true is not the issue but that you must, at all cost, speak it public is for your own safety and continued dominance as a cultural and societal majority.
Always, as a last resort, as your most powerful and useful weapon to engage, navigate, and champion conversations about race, racism, and to dispel any accusations of racism use this card:
“I understand my comments were hurtful. I now know the history behind them and I meant no harm. Those of you who know me know that I love everyone.” Of course, this is untrue, but you mustn’t stop there. “And what is irrefutable is that I have a black friend. A good one, too. The good kind. And I wouldn’t dare hurt their feelings with these words, images, rally attendances, and dissemination of racist-but-not-racist materials if I knew just how bad they were. I’m a good person!”
We all understand just how many ways there are for you to conquer conversations on race and racism, and listen, I’m here to help. Today, we covered four different tactics you can use to overwhelm liberal snowflakes, social justice warriors, and trained university professors, with coordinated and well-landed blows to their false narratives about race and racism.
We have yet to cover the more covert tactics but we will someday. The more people talking about race, the more chances you’ll have to deflect, project, displace, erase, censure, and mock because there’s nothing more painful in the world than to admit that you are racist.
And if all else fails, I mean, if the qualifiers and denials fail; if the Token and Tolkien strategy falters; if the data is proved wrong with accurate, peer-reviewed, professionally published statistics from trusted and neutral sources; if the imaginary black friend coupon falls dead on its head you have one option left.
It’s the nuclear weapon in your arsenal that works every time.
Snot dripping, cherry red-faced, unkempt hair, open mouth, knee hugging, curled into a ball crying.
The greater your exasperation the higher the chances your accusers will fold their arms and the remaining complicit audience will come to your rescue.
Your racist-but-not-racist tears will always save you.
So try these tactics out and let us know how things turn out! We can’t wait to hear just how successful your future conversations about race and racism will be.
And remember, no matter how bad things get for you, they will always be worse for them. By them I mean minorities.
Thank you, once again, for reading another edition of Olivet Theory’s Bad Advice series. Now go and do the exact opposite, or don’t.