Inconsequential Thanksgiving: Thanking God for Useless Things

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thes. 5:18


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Our Father in Heaven,

I am grateful that we are able to celebrate another year of life and another Thanksgiving holiday. This year has been one of great tumult, confusion, and loss of life so I ask that you grant me the mercy to use this post to shed some humor and laughter into this dark and non-mask-wearing conspiracy theorist-ridden world.

I thank you, Father, for blessing me with enough head hair to fill in my neighbor’s toupee should he ask for it and a hairline that is too stubborn to recede.

Thank you, Father, for afros. Mini afros. Round afros. Retro afros and colorful afros.

I thank you, Father, for granting Canada the opportunity of being so close to the United States of America to benefit from its pop culture, whilst not being affected by its politics.

Thank you for snowfall, snowy roads, snow bears or polar bears, whatever they’re called. They’re all so beautiful. And I love it when my mustache freezes over in the morning air. It’s a strange feeling. Thank you for such strange feelings. 

Thank you for granting my wife the ability to conceive children and granting me the ability to grant her that ability. 

Thank you for winter tires, even though we have all-season tires on our SUV. Thank you for the tire shops that charge thousands of dollars for them, their replacement, and installation. Continue to bless these establishments with work and our above the Northern Wall cities with enough snowfall to keep these shops operational.

Thank you, Father, for toilet paper. Going without it is tricky. Sticky, really.

Thank you, also, for baby wipes. I’ve discovered they’re quite useful as adult wipes as well. Quite useful for wiping down counter-tops too. 

Thank you for notifications and reminders. I’m a forgetful man and I love being reminded by Duolingo that it’s time for me to practice my German.

Thank you, Father, for “swipe away” and “clear”  functions on my phone so I can delete my notifications without ever opening them. 

Thank you for long church sermons, the ministers who promise shorter sermons, and the worship songs that last ten minutes longer than they should. 

Thank you for blessing us with dentists. They’re nice. Too nice. Please bless them with a little less-niceness, if possible. 

Thank you for dumpster trucks. Thank you for dumpster bins, too. 

Thank you for wintery temperatures that make spiders and other bugs disappear for a few months. I love using the loo without having to worry about a creepy crawler paying me a visit.

Father, thank you for a strong heart. 

Father, I thank you for food. I thank you for every dietary option available except veganism. Lord, thank you for bacon and cheese. 

Father, I thank you for President Donald J. Trump, I ask that you bless his going away party with Happy Meals, toys included.

Thank you also, Father, for President-elect Joe Biden and Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris. Lord, I know they’re not perfect but I ask that they be competent enough to fulfill their professional duties without the assistance of the Ukrainians, Russians, the Chinese, North Koreans, and Hugo Chavez vote counter system.

Father, thank you for Sidney Powell’s oscar worthy performance during that one press conference where Hugo Chavez was mentioned. We’ll remember her acting skills for generations to come. 

Father, I thank you for #ThanksgivingClapBack. I believe you laugh at some of these hashtags. You created humor. I mean, look at us. Look at elephants. 

Thank you for my pet allergies, Lord. It’s a good enough excuse to postpone getting our girls any pets. 

Thank you for masks, Lord, and the people who refuse to use them and the videos that are made public of them expounding their reasons for not wearing a mask.

Lord, truly, thank you for humor. We need more of these videos.

I thank you for family gatherings; the unnecessary political arguments we have once there; the near fist-fight inducing disagreements about sports, religion, best side dishes, what spirits go into a fruit punch, and other miscellaneous things we bicker about come Thanksgiving.  

I thank you for the families who have opted out of hosting a gathering this year and their weird Thanksgiving-Christmas hybrid celebrations. Lord, protect these vulnerable people, they can’t help themselves. 

Thank you for Apple products. 

And now on a more serious note, Father.

Thank you for my wonderful wife, her beauty and elegance, her patience with us kids at home.

Please bless her next delivery, that our third little girl may be a light wherever she walks. Bless us with more flashlights and lanterns Lord, for when society collapses and we’re forced to live off-grid.

Thank you for my little Maya and my littler Maisie. They’re gems. Gifts from heaven we did not deserve. Seriously, they’re trouble makers but very healthy trouble makers and we’re grateful for them.

Thank you, Father, for my mother and my father. They’re still alive and I’m still annoying them to the best of my ability. It’s my duty to be an annoying son.

Thank you for my brother and his wife. They’re cool. We miss them. We hope to see them soon.

Thank you, Father, for my best friends. They’re amazing fellas and I hope we get many more opportunities to see each other in person to create more embarrassing memories of each other to share with each other later once we’ve gone our ways. 

Thank you for church families, who help us with prayer, sustenance, encouragement, and sound biblical teaching. 

Bless our local pastor, his wife, and their ministry. Keep them, Lord, for we believe you have great things ahead for them. 

Father, please help our local community bodies and also our federal ones as they assist families in need, families in want, and families who are about to go without. Please send your servants to assist them so that people are fed, warm, safe, and loved. 

Please help our medical teams, their jobs, so that they may be encouraged, strengthened, and their immune system improved. Grant them rest where possible, safety from the virus every day, and protection from harmful thoughts and harmful sentiments that fill the heart once exhaustion takes hold. From lab technicians to paramedics to LPN’s to nurses to physicians and beyond. Please guide them.

Please visit people who are lonely, Father, warming them with your presence. Those who cannot have visitors or see their family members because of this pandemic and other multi-layered reasons. Human beings weren’t created to be alone so I pray, Father, send your children to be at their side, safely. 

Please, Lord, visit also the individuals who are suffering mentally because of this pandemic. Those who struggle with anxiety, depression, and a number of other problems that are inflamed by how crazy this world has become. Please keep them safe, away from harmful thoughts and suicidal thoughts. Send your servants to check up on them often, to be with them, help them, and the medical staff and professionals to assist them wherever necessary. 

And finally, Father, thank you for faith, hope, and love. Thank you for giving us those things in your Son Christ Jesus. Thank you for this faith, which without, we could not hope for better days nor could we love our neighbors.

We ask and pray and thank you for these people and things, 

In Jesus’ name.

Amen

Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a Merry Christm…. well, we’re not there yet. 

Published by olivettheory

My name is Jarrel and I'm a lover of words, people, odd behaviors, theology, independent films, all-immersive RPGs, Christian metal, podcasts, and history. Not in that order. I'm a writer... in training. Let’s read and talk about things together. This is my Olivet Theory. Husband - Dad - Dude

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